Wednesday, September 28, 2011

New Day

I looked up my blog to send the link to someone sharing the same pain and suffering. I figured that I haven't written in a while so maybe I should jot a few lines.

I am still at my new job, just finished my 3 month probation so my new insurance starts on October 1st~ !!!!!!! I am so excited! I have been clean for 2 months! You know when an addict says they have been clean for a certain period of time, we cheer them on. However I do not enjoy being clean. My body without meds is useless. I have 3 different kinds of high blood pressure meds that I need back on with along with a high cholesterol (but my cholesterol is good they give it to me because of the high blood pressures, they don't want to take any chances!). I have two bipolar meds that I have been without and a fibromyalgia med. The fibromyalgia med I started back on Friday. I have high stomach sensitivity with it so they have a start-up pack which slowly increases your dose over a 2 week period. Since I knew I would be getting my meds soon I asked for a start up from Dr. Kim.
The Savella has a anti-depressant in it so my mood has started to change; for the better. I tell you I am very lucky because if there was ever a time that I deserved for Tim to leave me, it has been in these last two months. I really honestly don't know how he has stood me. My daughter has stayed hidden out, which I don't blame her. Fortunately I have schooled her in bipolar enough that she understands what goes with the territory.

I keep promising to blog more but I have been so busy with my job and I started selling Scentsy. I have been using Facebook to keep up with selling it and learning what is new. So if I don't come back to this page for a while its because I am keeping somewhat afloat!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Bipolar off-label

I know it has been forever since I have blogged but trying to get back into the swing of things.

While training on my new job today, the current manager refers to most of the residents as bi-polar. At first it didn't bother me too much because so many people today use it as an off-label for people they consider a tad bit different then them. But today a nerve was hit, my mental nerve.  After one resident left the office and I commented that he seemed nice her reply was this: "He is but he bi-polar! BUT he has a job, so honey even people with Bi-polar can get a job and hold it!!!!"

So now I step up on my soapbox:

Well who would have thought a person suffering from mental illness could obtain a job and work at it! Well I sure didn't <insert sarcasm here!> and I have been doing it for 16 years! Ok, for those of you who didn't know it, I just opened up a skeleton closet! For those of you who did, thank you for tolerating my manic and depressed episodes for this long! And for those of you who thought I was,and behind my back cracked a few jokes here and there, just keep reading.

Just a little bit of background for those who are wondering but scared to ask. First of all you can't get it if you hug me, and some days I need a lot of those! Yes, it is a bonafide illness, a mental illness. Is it hereditary? Some believe so (remember I am adopted). What many don't understand is how serious it is. It is an illness that effects and affects the entire you. Your entire being. How you think, how you feel physically, is all wrapped up in one diagnosis.

At the young of age of 21 I was diagnosed as bi-polar. The psychiatrist said it was apparent that I had been bi-polar since childhood. My mother said this was a ploy against her and just a way for me to blame her for all of my life's problems. I have spent many years in therapy, going through cognitive therapy, retraining on things like simple daily life, and trials of many different medications. I have gone through the denial of having it, the deppression of being differenet and people not understanding ( not to mention the stupidity) and the secretiveness and being ashamed due to the stigmatism that is placed on it by our society.

I know that when I tell people they often have a zillion questions. I would rather them ask and learn than to through the medical term around so loosely. Just because someone has a bad day, or feels a little blue does not automatically mean they are bipolar. And just because I am bipolar does not mean that I am going to go into a fit of rage and try to stab you with my scissors! Although maybe the thought crossed my mind!

If you know anything about me, you know that I have a special place in my heart for those with mental illness. And now you know why.

A must see:
Please know the art is art but graphic.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Baby Rose
This is par's little sister Rose. She is two. Just look at the wonder in this amazing little face!

The 1st

its the first of the month, the best time of the month. most of my residents tend to stay to themselves working and raising their family. but the 1st of the month is my time. one by one they come strolling into the office carrying a little slip of paper, a money order or their check for rent. most don't fill them out they ask me to do it for them. which i am happy to do because the same thing always happens. first they try very hard to remember their address and i like watching them sign their names. some have never written their names before and some have locked in their creativity and designed a great signature. some are slow to make sure they make each letter in their name perfect and other sign feverishly! then the best part- they thank you over and over again with a huge smile on their simple and innocent faces.
some are dressed in their native garb, others showing their new american style that they have adapted to. some ready to go to work and some smelling of alcohol because they just got off of work and it is 8 am and they need to unwind before catching some sleep.
every chance i get, i stop to play with the children. listening to their soft little voices as they describe how old they are and what their name is.

no matter how bad my day maybe going at that point nothing seems to matter more than stopping to take time with these people. with them i have learned more about patience and understanding than i have ever known.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


received word yesterday that daddy will be having bypass surgery this next week. they will do one artery that is 95% blockage, then a day or two later they will do the other 4 arteries. his doctors are wonderful and give him high odds for success.
they told my sister genny to try to keep him down and resting. obviously this new doctor does not know daddy! however in our conversation tonight he is tired and he knows that the doctors are true in their word. the doctor explained that while one of his brothers had bypass surgery several years ago, uncle jimmy's death might had been prevented if he had seen a cardiologist.
it was hard to hear my daddy say that he was worried and scared. i have never seen my daddy sick. i didn't get to meet my daddy until i was 16 years old. he and my momma were not married when i was conceived. i was given up for adoption and raised in a town 85 miles away. growing up i had a need to connect. i always looked for them because i had a few names that my adopted parents kept for me since the adoption. i started a serious search when i was 16. it only lasted 2 days! not only did i find my mom but she told me that she and my dad married about a year after i was born.
when meeting the family, genny and daddy were the first ones i got to meet. of course no one is what you expect them to be, especially when you are a kid and have dreamed of your parents all your life. daddy is a simple man, he had been a truck driver turned county employee that owned cattle and rental houses.
the first thing i noticed was his tired face and the fact i got my eyes from him. that day i learned where my characteristics came from and so much more. over the years i have learned his values and principals, without him raising me or guiding me. he has earned a deep respect from me. this man loves his family, loved my mother until the day she died, his children, her children and all the grandchildren. he loves me and even told me the story of when he and momma went together to the welfare agency after they married and asked if i had been adopted or if they could get me back. this man, after meeting me never once tried to parent me. if i asked for advice, i got it. if i asked for respect, i got it. if i asked for love, i got it.
daddy came into my life after my adopted dad james passed away. although one daddy was never meant to replace the other i feel god had intended for me to always  have a person in my life to call daddy.
i know daddy's surgery is left in gods hands and i know that he will take care of him. i have reason to believe that i have time ahead to make many more memories with daddy.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


happy new year!
i can honestly say this is the best new years i have ever had. Tim asked what i had done in the past. i didn't have to think about it, because there was not anything to think about. Either i had been married to someone who didn't want to celebrate, single and stayed home alone or dating someone who didn't want to celebrate. Wow how sad is that?
i would have to say that Tim planned a special night that i don't think can be topped!
dinner, dancing, drinks. a kiss to bring in the new year! a stay at the ambassador and breakfast. while all of that was so nice and it was exciting to be out and doing something, i think the best part was knowing he worked hard at planning a special evening for us and kept it secret until the moment we drove up to our destination! there is something to be said for a man who plans a date! after this event and our first date he planned, what could be next?