God doesn't give us what we can handle, He helps us handle what we are given.

This morning was to be my MRI.  But instead they send me to the hospital for blood work.  They said with high blood pressure they have to have a creatine panel. Now the MRI is rescheduled for Friday. If these people knew how hard of a stick i am they would not do this to me, i still have a bruise from two weeks ago.
I must say i have enjoyed seeing these nice people all dressed up in their Halloween finest. At the Harrington Breast Center they were dressed as the 101 dalmations. At BSA Hospital lab they are all LAB MICE!
The title of this post came from the plaque at the registration desk of BSA Lab.

The Dreaded "C" Word

Last month I started having pain in my right breast. Now mind you I have never been good at those self exams. Not sure why but just don't do it like they prescribe. But I noticed a lump but decided not to get all in a tizzy until I had my doctor look at it. The appointment was only three days later and needless to say he was upset that it had been about 5  years since my last mammogram. Hate those too! He confirmed the lump and sent me to Texas Breast Specialist. I think I was more concerned with the name, who in their right mind would name their business, "Breast Specialist"!?!
   I didn't know you no longer had to wait for results of mammograms but let me tell you when they think they find something, they speed the process up! Immediate sonogram and she whipped out the measuring stick. Then came the words "biopsy"! If you know me well you know I have had a horrid fear of needles since I was 14 and had those awful cordizone shots in my hip. I just could not imagine a needle going into my beloved boob! I asked for professional opinion at this point. She could not even look me in the eye. Her words were, "I am very concerned". My immediate response was, "This is not a good time!" she asked why and I told her I was getting married in 60 days. All she could do was pat me on the back. All that could think of was where were the positive attitude? where was the lets wait and see? where was the these things are usually benign?
    Four days later they had me arrive half an hour early for the biopsy. This is pityful and please do laugh. They gave me valium and they covered my face so I would not see the needle! The worst part was, they would not allow Tim to be with me. But they kept me talking about my love of all kids (nephews included).
    Here is the hardest part, waiting. I read that the stress a woman goes through waiting for biopsy results creates the SAME amount of cortisol as woman actually having breast cancer! Go figure! Six days is way too long to wait. This time they allowed Tim to be with me, but you could only imagine what was going on in my mind when they left us alone in the room to wait for the doctor. She immediately said, you have breast cancer. Wow. I looked at Tim, he went white (he doesn't think so). I sat straight up on the edge of my seat and said what do we do? They assigned Jennifer as my advocate that will handle everything for me.  The doctor hugged me and I gave her a piece of advice. I told her to work on her game face. Come on, yall know me, I just had too!
    This has all been so overwhelming. From here I hope to blog often to keep everytone informed of what is going on and how I am feeling. I apologize up front if I am too honest for you but this is me. I am raw and vulnerable right now. If you don't like, please don't read it and just pray for me instead.
    I love each of you with my entire heart. Please email me, text me keep sending me pictures of your beautiful families. I need all the positives I can get!
Lurve you!

New Day

I looked up my blog to send the link to someone sharing the same pain and suffering. I figured that I haven't written in a while so maybe I should jot a few lines.

I am still at my new job, just finished my 3 month probation so my new insurance starts on October 1st~ !!!!!!! I am so excited! I have been clean for 2 months! You know when an addict says they have been clean for a certain period of time, we cheer them on. However I do not enjoy being clean. My body without meds is useless. I have 3 different kinds of high blood pressure meds that I need back on with along with a high cholesterol (but my cholesterol is good they give it to me because of the high blood pressures, they don't want to take any chances!). I have two bipolar meds that I have been without and a fibromyalgia med. The fibromyalgia med I started back on Friday. I have high stomach sensitivity with it so they have a start-up pack which slowly increases your dose over a 2 week period. Since I knew I would be getting my meds soon I asked for a start up from Dr. Kim.
The Savella has a anti-depressant in it so my mood has started to change; for the better. I tell you I am very lucky because if there was ever a time that I deserved for Tim to leave me, it has been in these last two months. I really honestly don't know how he has stood me. My daughter has stayed hidden out, which I don't blame her. Fortunately I have schooled her in bipolar enough that she understands what goes with the territory.

I keep promising to blog more but I have been so busy with my job and I started selling Scentsy. I have been using Facebook to keep up with selling it and learning what is new. So if I don't come back to this page for a while its because I am keeping somewhat afloat!

Bipolar off-label

I know it has been forever since I have blogged but trying to get back into the swing of things.

While training on my new job today, the current manager refers to most of the residents as bi-polar. At first it didn't bother me too much because so many people today use it as an off-label for people they consider a tad bit different then them. But today a nerve was hit, my mental nerve.  After one resident left the office and I commented that he seemed nice her reply was this: "He is but he bi-polar! BUT he has a job, so honey even people with Bi-polar can get a job and hold it!!!!"

So now I step up on my soapbox:

Well who would have thought a person suffering from mental illness could obtain a job and work at it! Well I sure didn't <insert sarcasm here!> and I have been doing it for 16 years! Ok, for those of you who didn't know it, I just opened up a skeleton closet! For those of you who did, thank you for tolerating my manic and depressed episodes for this long! And for those of you who thought I was,and behind my back cracked a few jokes here and there, just keep reading.

Just a little bit of background for those who are wondering but scared to ask. First of all you can't get it if you hug me, and some days I need a lot of those! Yes, it is a bonafide illness, a mental illness. Is it hereditary? Some believe so (remember I am adopted). What many don't understand is how serious it is. It is an illness that effects and affects the entire you. Your entire being. How you think, how you feel physically, is all wrapped up in one diagnosis.

At the young of age of 21 I was diagnosed as bi-polar. The psychiatrist said it was apparent that I had been bi-polar since childhood. My mother said this was a ploy against her and just a way for me to blame her for all of my life's problems. I have spent many years in therapy, going through cognitive therapy, retraining on things like simple daily life, and trials of many different medications. I have gone through the denial of having it, the deppression of being differenet and people not understanding ( not to mention the stupidity) and the secretiveness and being ashamed due to the stigmatism that is placed on it by our society.

I know that when I tell people they often have a zillion questions. I would rather them ask and learn than to through the medical term around so loosely. Just because someone has a bad day, or feels a little blue does not automatically mean they are bipolar. And just because I am bipolar does not mean that I am going to go into a fit of rage and try to stab you with my scissors! Although maybe the thought crossed my mind!

If you know anything about me, you know that I have a special place in my heart for those with mental illness. And now you know why.



A must see: http://www.artbynicola.co.uk/
Please know the art is art but graphic.

Baby Rose
This is par's little sister Rose. She is two. Just look at the wonder in this amazing little face!

The 1st

its the first of the month, the best time of the month. most of my residents tend to stay to themselves working and raising their family. but the 1st of the month is my time. one by one they come strolling into the office carrying a little slip of paper, a money order or their check for rent. most don't fill them out they ask me to do it for them. which i am happy to do because the same thing always happens. first they try very hard to remember their address and i like watching them sign their names. some have never written their names before and some have locked in their creativity and designed a great signature. some are slow to make sure they make each letter in their name perfect and other sign feverishly! then the best part- they thank you over and over again with a huge smile on their simple and innocent faces.
some are dressed in their native garb, others showing their new american style that they have adapted to. some ready to go to work and some smelling of alcohol because they just got off of work and it is 8 am and they need to unwind before catching some sleep.
every chance i get, i stop to play with the children. listening to their soft little voices as they describe how old they are and what their name is.

no matter how bad my day maybe going at that point nothing seems to matter more than stopping to take time with these people. with them i have learned more about patience and understanding than i have ever known.

daddy

received word yesterday that daddy will be having bypass surgery this next week. they will do one artery that is 95% blockage, then a day or two later they will do the other 4 arteries. his doctors are wonderful and give him high odds for success.
they told my sister genny to try to keep him down and resting. obviously this new doctor does not know daddy! however in our conversation tonight he is tired and he knows that the doctors are true in their word. the doctor explained that while one of his brothers had bypass surgery several years ago, uncle jimmy's death might had been prevented if he had seen a cardiologist.
it was hard to hear my daddy say that he was worried and scared. i have never seen my daddy sick. i didn't get to meet my daddy until i was 16 years old. he and my momma were not married when i was conceived. i was given up for adoption and raised in a town 85 miles away. growing up i had a need to connect. i always looked for them because i had a few names that my adopted parents kept for me since the adoption. i started a serious search when i was 16. it only lasted 2 days! not only did i find my mom but she told me that she and my dad married about a year after i was born.
when meeting the family, genny and daddy were the first ones i got to meet. of course no one is what you expect them to be, especially when you are a kid and have dreamed of your parents all your life. daddy is a simple man, he had been a truck driver turned county employee that owned cattle and rental houses.
the first thing i noticed was his tired face and the fact i got my eyes from him. that day i learned where my characteristics came from and so much more. over the years i have learned his values and principals, without him raising me or guiding me. he has earned a deep respect from me. this man loves his family, loved my mother until the day she died, his children, her children and all the grandchildren. he loves me and even told me the story of when he and momma went together to the welfare agency after they married and asked if i had been adopted or if they could get me back. this man, after meeting me never once tried to parent me. if i asked for advice, i got it. if i asked for respect, i got it. if i asked for love, i got it.
daddy came into my life after my adopted dad james passed away. although one daddy was never meant to replace the other i feel god had intended for me to always  have a person in my life to call daddy.
i know daddy's surgery is left in gods hands and i know that he will take care of him. i have reason to believe that i have time ahead to make many more memories with daddy.

2011

happy new year!
i can honestly say this is the best new years i have ever had. Tim asked what i had done in the past. i didn't have to think about it, because there was not anything to think about. Either i had been married to someone who didn't want to celebrate, single and stayed home alone or dating someone who didn't want to celebrate. Wow how sad is that?
i would have to say that Tim planned a special night that i don't think can be topped!
dinner, dancing, drinks. a kiss to bring in the new year! a stay at the ambassador and breakfast. while all of that was so nice and it was exciting to be out and doing something, i think the best part was knowing he worked hard at planning a special evening for us and kept it secret until the moment we drove up to our destination! there is something to be said for a man who plans a date! after this event and our first date he planned, what could be next?

Elizabeth Edward December 7,2010 God Rest Her Soul

A daughter, a wife, a mother, a friend. A lover, a fighter. A woman blessed with the love of her children.
With the announcement of Elizabeth's battle with cancer, I started to keep track of her pledge to her children, her fight against a raging disease, the political roller coaster and the affair of her husband made public by the media. Having experienced a cheating husband and cancer, i still could not fathom having to deal with the two at once! Being sentenced with a disease that could potentially end your life, you become consumed with a battle that you cannot fight alone. you need to draw on the strength of your family. But how do you do that when your husband's strength is dedicated to another woman? How could he? A woman who stood beside him during his long political career. She traveled with him, helped him with his campaign, gave him beautiful children, she raised them to honor their father. She kept his home and rallied behind him. For this she paid with lies.
Elizabeth's greatest love was meant for her children. During her illness she wrote a "dying letter" to her children. In this letter she gave instructions to life. From how to core a head of lettuce to how to chose a church. She wanted the children to be prepared for not only for her death and life without her but life in the future, life in general.
The Edwards children will mourn their mothers death and we can only hope that the media will allow for some privacy. We wish peace to fill the hole in their heart left by their mother. These children will grow up to be strong parents due to shining example they were given in their mother, Elizabeth.

Fibromyalgia

This pain racking through my body. Another day without relief. Watching a movie with Tim last night and I know it could not have been fun. I couldn't stay still.
Another week gone by that is totally stressing only to wake up at 7 on Saturday morning in so much pain that I couldn't go back to sleep! I took a darvoset just so that I could sleep. Waking up two hours later the pain still there I started letting my imagination wander like I did when I had the pain when I was a kid. I guess this was my form of pain management. When I had migrains I would think about opening a vein with a needle and the pain flowing out slowly. As the I visualized that the pain would start to easy. But now its a little different. This morning the pain in my hips was so severe I visualized my legs being disconnected at the hip joint. It didn't work. At this point the regular medication is not working. pain medication is not working. Is this what I have to look forward too? Over the last 4 years my pain has increased. is it going to continue to increase?
Rest is recommended, but how can you rest when you are in so much pain? I spend my weekends recooperating from my workweek. I would like to just be able to catch a break!

Los amigos/ Marafiki / أصدقاء

Friends

Sui and Par, friends til the end. Watching the friendship of growing children is amazing. Have you watched your child lately with their friends? How do they act, what do they say, what are their hand gestures or shoulder shrugs? These things are tail tale signs of the individual they will grow up to be. Are they caring, loving, and genuinely interested in what the other has to say? Or do they become the dominate leader or take the backseat her?

You can also tell alot about yourself in your child and the way they treat their friends. Children and how you raise them is a reflection of yourself. Have you ever stopped and thought, "oh my! I really need to discuss with her why we don't say things like that!"?

Sui and Par are two of the refugee children living in our area. I have had many opportunities to watch how they interact with one another. I have attended school and Bible study with them and have even shared my food with them. Par is the leader of this lovely little pack. Sometimes bossy but still has a very loving way with Sui. Sui by no means takes the backseat! But she is not as quick as Par to speak or express her ideas. But I watch these two walking home from school and walking through out the neighborhood. I see them arm in arm, laughing, whispering, and helping one another along the way. I stop to wonder is the influence of the western culture? No matter where the influence began, I do know one thing, these two little girls  have taught me about friendship.

As the days, weeks and months grow on I am sure that I will continue to add posts about my little friends, Sui and Par. I hope you enjoy.

Welcome

I thought I would try this again. I guess in my old age I have forgotten how to find my old blog that I started years ago.
In my childhood and teen years I constantly was putting pen to paper. Not only do I remember it but my mother preserved a book to prove it. Yes there were somethings I wish she would have not saved! The positive side was seeing how much I have grown in my thought process and how I matured in choice of topics! Now I cannot guarantee that will happen here, but I thought it would be nice to have an alternative outlet to blow off steam or record a few secrets for others to see.
Please feel free to chime in, your reviews and posts are welcome. They may not be valued but they are welcome! lol!