Jennifer my advocate called me after work today. She said that they had been reviewing my pathology report and my margins were not all clear. What this means is they did not get all the cancer. On Wednesday when I meet with Dr. Holloway he will make the decision to go back in again or to see if chemo will do the job.
On a positive note I was accepted into a group study at Texas Tech on women and Breast cancer Cancer. It should do me some good.
Love to all.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
November 27, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Sunday November 25
Trying to rest while restless. I have been in so much pain the last couple of days. They said it is normal to have pain shooting down my arm from the sentinel node biopsy. The pain killers are not even relieving it. I had wondered if it was from the nerve they removed but they assured me it is not.
I am so tired. I have a burst of energy in the morning, so I cleaned and this morning I fixed about 10 lbs of potatoes! I fixed papas and onions for breakfast and a huge pot of potato and cheese soup.
Tim's mom said it is like we rest 3 hours to be able to work 30 minutes. And it is true. I am just so drained. And then I have the most terrible attitude. I cry instantly and I have been so rude. So I apologize to everyone!
I am keeping up with my medication, eating schedule, sleeping, and everything else the doctor has required. I just never would have imagined it would be so difficult to wrap my mind around all of this.
Thank you for letting me vent today.
I am so tired. I have a burst of energy in the morning, so I cleaned and this morning I fixed about 10 lbs of potatoes! I fixed papas and onions for breakfast and a huge pot of potato and cheese soup.
Tim's mom said it is like we rest 3 hours to be able to work 30 minutes. And it is true. I am just so drained. And then I have the most terrible attitude. I cry instantly and I have been so rude. So I apologize to everyone!
I am keeping up with my medication, eating schedule, sleeping, and everything else the doctor has required. I just never would have imagined it would be so difficult to wrap my mind around all of this.
Thank you for letting me vent today.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Oncology visit 11-21-12
Today was a visit with Dr. Reddy my oncologist. Let me give you a run down. If you have questions, please post them. I will try to answer what I know. If I don't know what the answer is, maybe it is something I need to bring up to Dr. Reddy.
The Sentinel Node biopsy showed no cancer in the nodes. However there were traces of cancer going to the nodes. Because of this they can not say that I do not have cancer in my bloodstream. This is not good news, but it is not the worst. All means is that I do have to have chemo. They said with that and because of all the other circumstances like my being young and no reason for cancer, I need the chemo. Without any treatment and just the surgery the cancer would definitely come back. With radiation and hormone therapy only I would have a 70% success rate. If I have chemo, radiation and hormone therapy I have a 90% success rate.
He did remove all the tumor. There was a complication other than the brackets being broken inside of me. The tumor had started to wrap itself around a nerve in my breast. They had to remove that nerve. Who needs feeling in their breast right? No, he said it was one little nerve, not going to make a difference. With what was removed it was not considered a lumpectomy, it is listed as a partial mastectomy.
They want me to rest a bit, so chemo starts December 4th. It will take the longest due to them wanting to do it slow as an introduction. They fully described how each visit will be with blood work to make sure my white cell count is ok (or no treatment until it is) then the process will be 2-3 hours at a time. The next day I return for steroids and injections to keep my white cell count up. This will go on, a treatment every three weeks for 12 weeks. So I am very lucky only 4 rounds of chemo so far. We will countdown!
After that we will rest for a couple of weeks then it will be radiation every day for 7 weeks. After that hormone therapy for five years.
Here is a good thought! I will keep my PICC line and that is how I will get chemo. He said that is how Chemo was originally given before a port was introduced. So every week I will go to Texas Oncology and they will clean my PICC line and change my bandage until we are through. So keep your fingers crossed that this holds.
They gave me tons of reading material on what will happen like between the first and second round I will loose my hair. I am going to go soon and get a super short cut so I will not be so traumatized with it falling out. I keep hearing stories of women driving down the road or cleaning house and having to clean their hair up along the way. I don't think I could handle another meltdown. However I am sure there are more to come.
My advocate Jennifer is trying to get me into a study group through Texas Tech. They are studying the effects of women with Breast Cancer. She thought it would help because I would speak with them and other women and it might help me sort through something personally in dealing with the big C. So lets hope the grant they have been given will be able to provide for me too.
Well that is all for now. I want you all to know how much I love you and you mean so much to me. I apologize if I have exploded at you (TIM) and will try harder to get better as it goes down the road.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Surgery
I must apologize for not posting sooner but this all taken such an emotional toll on me.
Friday morning 8:30 i had brackets put in to guide Dr. Holloway in the surgery. The fiirst was too close to the tumor so she had to insert a second. This was all done by local llidicane injections. The wires stick outside of your body about 5 -6 inches. Waiting in the day surgery waitingroom the lidicane wore off. They did get me into a very small room, or shall i say closet until noon. Finally they gave me a little pain medicine. My blood pressure was 161 over 110.
About 1pm the nurse came in to inject the Sential Node Biopsy dye. It is injected under the nipple. It didnt hurt as bad as everyone said it would, but maybe i had ben punctured by so many at this point and some pain meds that it didnt matter.
Later i will blog my thoughts as i had wait in pre-op alone. I did have to a wonderful anethisiologiist who gave me meds to help with my blood pressure.
A 30 minute procedure turned into 2 hours when the brackets broke when he was remooving the tumor. He had to fish out the hooks before closing me up.
After that the norm of monitoring your pee, juice, and walk the hall once. Believe me they dont want you there any longer than you want to be!
I got out about 7 and was welcomed hhome by family and friends.
All i wanted was food and sleep, in that order.
Stay tuned, i will write my feelings, as harsh as they are (be prepared) and let you know about my oncologist visit on Tuesday.
Love to you all.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Quinlin update
My boy Quinlin won State cross country title on Saturday. I got a text from him and I was standing in the middle of the store. Of course I started to cry in the middle of the store.
Last night when I went to Maddy's game, I got to see Quinlin. He gave me big hug. I told him I swear he was walking much taller!
You can read the article on his success here.
Last night when I went to Maddy's game, I got to see Quinlin. He gave me big hug. I told him I swear he was walking much taller!
You can read the article on his success here.
Quinlin I am so very proud of you!
Surgery
Surgery will be on Friday at 3pm at the BSA day surgery clinic. Great advances have been towards the surgical removal of cancer, I will be able to go home as soon as I can prove that I am able to hold down water, go to the bathroom and walk without help.
Please keep my children and Tim in your prayers as they wait patiently for me. This has been just as hard on them as it has been on me.
Thank you.
Please keep my children and Tim in your prayers as they wait patiently for me. This has been just as hard on them as it has been on me.
Thank you.
a LOVING Gesture
I got to be apart of something beautiful yesterday, my faith in human kind was restored.
A pastor by the name of Barry Loving contacted me for an apartment. He had a young man whom he was trying to get on his feet. He brought me the application and fee and I started the process. He explained to me the young man was basically homeless and had told him all he wanted was a job and place to live. He got job and was doing well but still did not have a place to call home.
After his approval, Pastor Loving and his beautiful daughter went to pick up Jason from his job and bring him by to sign his lease. He didn't even ask to see the apartment first. He signed every page, exclaiming, "yes, ma'am". Jason is about 28 years old. A withered face from the sun, in need of a warm shower, and a little on the skinny side. All this will change in a little matter of time.
Once the paperwork was done, I took him to see his new home. He led the way with his new keys in hand, Pastor Loving, his daughter and I followed. He opened the door and he rushed in. He couldn't stop grinning! He ran through the apartment like a kid would run through the candy store. He ran his hands over the cabinet doors (ones I thought needed to be replaced due to years of wear and tear), he opened the closet doors, shut them, and opened them again. He said he could have never imagined anything nicer. You have to remember my property was built in 1968 and it has seen it's day. We have started to refurbish some of the units but this one had not yet been done.
As Jason hugged the Loving family and thanked them, it was hard for me to keep the tears away. I felt so honored to be able to watch something so beautiful unfold before me.
God bless the LOVING family as they continue to help others in need in our community. God bless those that the LOVING family has led to God through their work.
A pastor by the name of Barry Loving contacted me for an apartment. He had a young man whom he was trying to get on his feet. He brought me the application and fee and I started the process. He explained to me the young man was basically homeless and had told him all he wanted was a job and place to live. He got job and was doing well but still did not have a place to call home.
After his approval, Pastor Loving and his beautiful daughter went to pick up Jason from his job and bring him by to sign his lease. He didn't even ask to see the apartment first. He signed every page, exclaiming, "yes, ma'am". Jason is about 28 years old. A withered face from the sun, in need of a warm shower, and a little on the skinny side. All this will change in a little matter of time.
Once the paperwork was done, I took him to see his new home. He led the way with his new keys in hand, Pastor Loving, his daughter and I followed. He opened the door and he rushed in. He couldn't stop grinning! He ran through the apartment like a kid would run through the candy store. He ran his hands over the cabinet doors (ones I thought needed to be replaced due to years of wear and tear), he opened the closet doors, shut them, and opened them again. He said he could have never imagined anything nicer. You have to remember my property was built in 1968 and it has seen it's day. We have started to refurbish some of the units but this one had not yet been done.
As Jason hugged the Loving family and thanked them, it was hard for me to keep the tears away. I felt so honored to be able to watch something so beautiful unfold before me.
God bless the LOVING family as they continue to help others in need in our community. God bless those that the LOVING family has led to God through their work.
November 13
A couple of updates:
The pre-admit went ok but I learned really quick that I had to defend myself. I came to the conclusion that the people working in the pre-admit office are either very unhappy in their life or with their job. They do not smile, they basically treated me like a number and were not happy with treating me at all. At least when it came time to draw blood they took me to the 6th floor. Liz is on the 6th floor. This wonderfully robust woman in her late 50s. The lady from pre-admit said she would wait on me to be done. Liz quickly put her in her place and told her I was an adult and was quite capable to walking to an elevator and going down by myself. I could not help but giggle and snicker.
We were worried at first because blood would not come out of my PICC line. That was the whole point of getting right? They had me stand up and even tried to "milk" my arm. No telling what the people walking down the hall looking in thought. Finally after about 20 minutes they asked me to sit in the chair and they would recline it. When they did, my arm gushed! Never in all my life has so much blood come out of my arm! And never has it done so without hurting.
So now, after the blood, urine, chest x-ray and the EKG, I am all set for surgery on Friday.
Maddy's game was tonight. They won 19-18! She had 10 points of that winning score! I am so proud of my girl! What surprises me most is that she surprises herself! I proud of you baby.
The pre-admit went ok but I learned really quick that I had to defend myself. I came to the conclusion that the people working in the pre-admit office are either very unhappy in their life or with their job. They do not smile, they basically treated me like a number and were not happy with treating me at all. At least when it came time to draw blood they took me to the 6th floor. Liz is on the 6th floor. This wonderfully robust woman in her late 50s. The lady from pre-admit said she would wait on me to be done. Liz quickly put her in her place and told her I was an adult and was quite capable to walking to an elevator and going down by myself. I could not help but giggle and snicker.
We were worried at first because blood would not come out of my PICC line. That was the whole point of getting right? They had me stand up and even tried to "milk" my arm. No telling what the people walking down the hall looking in thought. Finally after about 20 minutes they asked me to sit in the chair and they would recline it. When they did, my arm gushed! Never in all my life has so much blood come out of my arm! And never has it done so without hurting.
So now, after the blood, urine, chest x-ray and the EKG, I am all set for surgery on Friday.
Maddy's game was tonight. They won 19-18! She had 10 points of that winning score! I am so proud of my girl! What surprises me most is that she surprises herself! I proud of you baby.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
November 12
Well finally a little good news today. My MRI came back and the cancer has not spread to the other breast. This makes thing a lot easier. And a lot of stress lifted off me. I had started having anxiety fits over the weekend.
So far everything is on schedule, with pre-admit being in the morning.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Thank you Quinlin
One of my favorites has always been Quinlin. He has been hanging around for a couple of years now. He is one of those boys you don't mind hanging around. When I go to the kids games, there has been occasions if he is not participating, he has sat by me. I find that an honor.
This young man is wise beyond his years. He has parents who have taught him well. He is smart, funny, good-looking boy who doesn't have to try. He puts you at ease because you can tell how genuine he is. One thing that does not suprise me is that he is a devoted Christian. I have watched him pray, I have heard him speak, and seen his actions. God will always have favor with Quinlin.
Quinlin is an exceptional athlete. He not only runs track but lives it. He is a Junior Olympian! My description of his talents would not do him justices, please see his stats here.
Today Quinlin left for Austin to compete at State. Before leaving he gave Madeline a gift for me. It was his UIL track medal. Yes, of course I cried. This past Sunday the Amarillo Globe-News did a story on Quinlin and his vye for State. In his interview he dedicated his run to me. (yes, I cried at that too!) You can see his interview here.
Quinlin, if you are reading this, know I love you very much and so proud of you. I will be thinking of you on Saturday. Knock em dead son!
7-8-12
Today was my MRI. Success! After having the PICC line the MRI seemed to be the easiest thing I had done. Although with Fibromyalgia laying in one position for 25 minutes can be painful! However, it is over with and I didn't feel the contrast or the salene going into my vein at all. Here's the kicker:
1 PICC Line
2 Doctors
2 Hours
ease of administering items by PICC line
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
$2800
Wow!
The picture in this post is a plaque made by Maddy for me at school today.
1 PICC Line
2 Doctors
2 Hours
ease of administering items by PICC line
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
$2800
Wow!
Update 11-7-12
I first apologize for taking so long to post again. I have been so overwhelmed. I will try to give you a full update since I last posted.
11-2-12 Was to have my MRI today after having the last opportunity missed due to needing blood test first. They could not do the MRI because they could not find a vein. Every time they made an entrance, it would blow. After the first 4 times, they decided to start using lydicane on both arms and performing sonograms to them each. Still they found veins but they would blow as soon as entered. After seven tries, they stopped. Dr. Clark said he had never seen anything like it. So they rescheduled my appointment for the 8th. I knew Dr. Holloway my surgeon would not want to see me without the MRI so I countacted my advocate Jennifer.
11-5-12 Today Jennifer and I met with Dr. Holloway. He is very nice. He makes things very clear as to how it will be done. He said he would not do the surgery without having an MRI. He stated that at my age I should not have cancer and have no other precursors to having it, so he needed the MRI to make sure of what we are looking at. It would show the true size (it is measuring 2.5 cm to 3 cm).
He said that I would go to the hospital and have a PICC line inserted before the MRI. We decided that I would keep the PICC line until after surgery so that I would not have to go through all of this again. Once again, I was explained to about the surgery, further testing of the tumor and lymph nodes, and the plan for after. So far nothing has changed. with the exception that my surgery has been scheduled for the 16th.
11-7-12 Went to BSA hospital, by the way of my dear friend Rayne. The darned hospital said I could not leave unless I had someone to drive me, so I picked her up at 6:30. She reminded me several times she does not do mornings! But I couldn't think of anything better than having a friend who makes me laugh and had been a nurse for 20 years be beside me.
After two hours, 2 doctors and 5 tries they finally got the PICC line inserted in my left arm. I have included two pictures*, one showing all the bruises I have aquired in the past two weeks and the second is of the PICC line hanging from my arm. I goes in the underside of my forearm and extends all the way to my heart.
Confession: I had to take tramadol to sleep!
* please excuse my messy bathroom and my messy self!
11-2-12 Was to have my MRI today after having the last opportunity missed due to needing blood test first. They could not do the MRI because they could not find a vein. Every time they made an entrance, it would blow. After the first 4 times, they decided to start using lydicane on both arms and performing sonograms to them each. Still they found veins but they would blow as soon as entered. After seven tries, they stopped. Dr. Clark said he had never seen anything like it. So they rescheduled my appointment for the 8th. I knew Dr. Holloway my surgeon would not want to see me without the MRI so I countacted my advocate Jennifer.
11-5-12 Today Jennifer and I met with Dr. Holloway. He is very nice. He makes things very clear as to how it will be done. He said he would not do the surgery without having an MRI. He stated that at my age I should not have cancer and have no other precursors to having it, so he needed the MRI to make sure of what we are looking at. It would show the true size (it is measuring 2.5 cm to 3 cm).
He said that I would go to the hospital and have a PICC line inserted before the MRI. We decided that I would keep the PICC line until after surgery so that I would not have to go through all of this again. Once again, I was explained to about the surgery, further testing of the tumor and lymph nodes, and the plan for after. So far nothing has changed. with the exception that my surgery has been scheduled for the 16th.
11-7-12 Went to BSA hospital, by the way of my dear friend Rayne. The darned hospital said I could not leave unless I had someone to drive me, so I picked her up at 6:30. She reminded me several times she does not do mornings! But I couldn't think of anything better than having a friend who makes me laugh and had been a nurse for 20 years be beside me.
After two hours, 2 doctors and 5 tries they finally got the PICC line inserted in my left arm. I have included two pictures*, one showing all the bruises I have aquired in the past two weeks and the second is of the PICC line hanging from my arm. I goes in the underside of my forearm and extends all the way to my heart.
* please excuse my messy bathroom and my messy self!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Update
Met with Dr. Reddy yesterday. I like him, he is a very soft spoken doctor, but very informative. He draws you pictures and graphs and tells you everything up front. Here is everything I learned yesterday.
HER2 is negative - thats a good thing, easier to treat.
Everything right now depends on BRCA test, MRI and meeting with Surgeon.
Could choose surgery first or maybe chemo first depending on size of tumor.
The tumor is now 3 cm from 2 cm. They are not sure if it is from swelling and blood from biopsy two weeks ago. We will not know until MRI.
MRI will show if it has spread or if cancer cells are anywhere else in my body. If anywhere else, then they will have to biopsy those areas before surgery.
They will have to rid the cancer in the breast. Once a breast has been sterilized with radiation, you can no longer receive radiation in that area. If cancer comes back to that area they can only treat it, not cure it.
My KI-67U is 25%. Ideal is under 10%. They are not real happy with 25%. This how fast the cancer cells multiply.
Today I did get good news. The BRCA is back and it is negative. I do not have the cancer gene. This would have given me a 50-60% chance of cancer coming back in the other breast or having ovarian cancer.
Tomorrow morning in my MRI. They are putting a rush on it to be back to Dr. Holloway my surgeon by Monday afternoon. I am just trying to drink lots of water between now and in the morning so they can get a good vein. Keep your fingers crossed!
HER2 is negative - thats a good thing, easier to treat.
Everything right now depends on BRCA test, MRI and meeting with Surgeon.
Could choose surgery first or maybe chemo first depending on size of tumor.
The tumor is now 3 cm from 2 cm. They are not sure if it is from swelling and blood from biopsy two weeks ago. We will not know until MRI.
MRI will show if it has spread or if cancer cells are anywhere else in my body. If anywhere else, then they will have to biopsy those areas before surgery.
They will have to rid the cancer in the breast. Once a breast has been sterilized with radiation, you can no longer receive radiation in that area. If cancer comes back to that area they can only treat it, not cure it.
My KI-67U is 25%. Ideal is under 10%. They are not real happy with 25%. This how fast the cancer cells multiply.
Today I did get good news. The BRCA is back and it is negative. I do not have the cancer gene. This would have given me a 50-60% chance of cancer coming back in the other breast or having ovarian cancer.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
God doesn't give us what we can handle, He helps us handle what we are given.
This morning was to be my MRI. But instead they send me to the hospital for blood work. They said with high blood pressure they have to have a creatine panel. Now the MRI is rescheduled for Friday. If these people knew how hard of a stick i am they would not do this to me, i still have a bruise from two weeks ago.
I must say i have enjoyed seeing these nice people all dressed up in their Halloween finest. At the Harrington Breast Center they were dressed as the 101 dalmations. At BSA Hospital lab they are all LAB MICE!
The title of this post came from the plaque at the registration desk of BSA Lab.
The Dreaded "C" Word
I didn't know you no longer had to wait for results of mammograms but let me tell you when they think they find something, they speed the process up! Immediate sonogram and she whipped out the measuring stick. Then came the words "biopsy"! If you know me well you know I have had a horrid fear of needles since I was 14 and had those awful cordizone shots in my hip. I just could not imagine a needle going into my beloved boob! I asked for professional opinion at this point. She could not even look me in the eye. Her words were, "I am very concerned". My immediate response was, "This is not a good time!" she asked why and I told her I was getting married in 60 days. All she could do was pat me on the back. All that could think of was where were the positive attitude? where was the lets wait and see? where was the these things are usually benign?
Four days later they had me arrive half an hour early for the biopsy. This is pityful and please do laugh. They gave me valium and they covered my face so I would not see the needle! The worst part was, they would not allow Tim to be with me. But they kept me talking about my love of all kids (nephews included).
Here is the hardest part, waiting. I read that the stress a woman goes through waiting for biopsy results creates the SAME amount of cortisol as woman actually having breast cancer! Go figure! Six days is way too long to wait. This time they allowed Tim to be with me, but you could only imagine what was going on in my mind when they left us alone in the room to wait for the doctor. She immediately said, you have breast cancer. Wow. I looked at Tim, he went white (he doesn't think so). I sat straight up on the edge of my seat and said what do we do? They assigned Jennifer as my advocate that will handle everything for me. The doctor hugged me and I gave her a piece of advice. I told her to work on her game face. Come on, yall know me, I just had too!
This has all been so overwhelming. From here I hope to blog often to keep everytone informed of what is going on and how I am feeling. I apologize up front if I am too honest for you but this is me. I am raw and vulnerable right now. If you don't like, please don't read it and just pray for me instead.
I love each of you with my entire heart. Please email me, text me keep sending me pictures of your beautiful families. I need all the positives I can get!
Lurve you!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
New Day
I looked up my blog to send the link to someone sharing the same pain and suffering. I figured that I haven't written in a while so maybe I should jot a few lines.
I am still at my new job, just finished my 3 month probation so my new insurance starts on October 1st~ !!!!!!! I am so excited! I have been clean for 2 months! You know when an addict says they have been clean for a certain period of time, we cheer them on. However I do not enjoy being clean. My body without meds is useless. I have 3 different kinds of high blood pressure meds that I need back on with along with a high cholesterol (but my cholesterol is good they give it to me because of the high blood pressures, they don't want to take any chances!). I have two bipolar meds that I have been without and a fibromyalgia med. The fibromyalgia med I started back on Friday. I have high stomach sensitivity with it so they have a start-up pack which slowly increases your dose over a 2 week period. Since I knew I would be getting my meds soon I asked for a start up from Dr. Kim.
The Savella has a anti-depressant in it so my mood has started to change; for the better. I tell you I am very lucky because if there was ever a time that I deserved for Tim to leave me, it has been in these last two months. I really honestly don't know how he has stood me. My daughter has stayed hidden out, which I don't blame her. Fortunately I have schooled her in bipolar enough that she understands what goes with the territory.
I keep promising to blog more but I have been so busy with my job and I started selling Scentsy. I have been using Facebook to keep up with selling it and learning what is new. So if I don't come back to this page for a while its because I am keeping somewhat afloat!
I am still at my new job, just finished my 3 month probation so my new insurance starts on October 1st~ !!!!!!! I am so excited! I have been clean for 2 months! You know when an addict says they have been clean for a certain period of time, we cheer them on. However I do not enjoy being clean. My body without meds is useless. I have 3 different kinds of high blood pressure meds that I need back on with along with a high cholesterol (but my cholesterol is good they give it to me because of the high blood pressures, they don't want to take any chances!). I have two bipolar meds that I have been without and a fibromyalgia med. The fibromyalgia med I started back on Friday. I have high stomach sensitivity with it so they have a start-up pack which slowly increases your dose over a 2 week period. Since I knew I would be getting my meds soon I asked for a start up from Dr. Kim.
The Savella has a anti-depressant in it so my mood has started to change; for the better. I tell you I am very lucky because if there was ever a time that I deserved for Tim to leave me, it has been in these last two months. I really honestly don't know how he has stood me. My daughter has stayed hidden out, which I don't blame her. Fortunately I have schooled her in bipolar enough that she understands what goes with the territory.
I keep promising to blog more but I have been so busy with my job and I started selling Scentsy. I have been using Facebook to keep up with selling it and learning what is new. So if I don't come back to this page for a while its because I am keeping somewhat afloat!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Bipolar off-label
I know it has been forever since I have blogged but trying to get back into the swing of things.
While training on my new job today, the current manager refers to most of the residents as bi-polar. At first it didn't bother me too much because so many people today use it as an off-label for people they consider a tad bit different then them. But today a nerve was hit, my mental nerve. After one resident left the office and I commented that he seemed nice her reply was this: "He is but he bi-polar! BUT he has a job, so honey even people with Bi-polar can get a job and hold it!!!!"
So now I step up on my soapbox:
Well who would have thought a person suffering from mental illness could obtain a job and work at it! Well I sure didn't <insert sarcasm here!> and I have been doing it for 16 years! Ok, for those of you who didn't know it, I just opened up a skeleton closet! For those of you who did, thank you for tolerating my manic and depressed episodes for this long! And for those of you who thought I was,and behind my back cracked a few jokes here and there, just keep reading.
Just a little bit of background for those who are wondering but scared to ask. First of all you can't get it if you hug me, and some days I need a lot of those! Yes, it is a bonafide illness, a mental illness. Is it hereditary? Some believe so (remember I am adopted). What many don't understand is how serious it is. It is an illness that effects and affects the entire you. Your entire being. How you think, how you feel physically, is all wrapped up in one diagnosis.
At the young of age of 21 I was diagnosed as bi-polar. The psychiatrist said it was apparent that I had been bi-polar since childhood. My mother said this was a ploy against her and just a way for me to blame her for all of my life's problems. I have spent many years in therapy, going through cognitive therapy, retraining on things like simple daily life, and trials of many different medications. I have gone through the denial of having it, the deppression of being differenet and people not understanding ( not to mention the stupidity) and the secretiveness and being ashamed due to the stigmatism that is placed on it by our society.
I know that when I tell people they often have a zillion questions. I would rather them ask and learn than to through the medical term around so loosely. Just because someone has a bad day, or feels a little blue does not automatically mean they are bipolar. And just because I am bipolar does not mean that I am going to go into a fit of rage and try to stab you with my scissors! Although maybe the thought crossed my mind!
If you know anything about me, you know that I have a special place in my heart for those with mental illness. And now you know why.
A must see: http://www.artbynicola.co.uk/
Please know the art is art but graphic.
While training on my new job today, the current manager refers to most of the residents as bi-polar. At first it didn't bother me too much because so many people today use it as an off-label for people they consider a tad bit different then them. But today a nerve was hit, my mental nerve. After one resident left the office and I commented that he seemed nice her reply was this: "He is but he bi-polar! BUT he has a job, so honey even people with Bi-polar can get a job and hold it!!!!"
So now I step up on my soapbox:
Well who would have thought a person suffering from mental illness could obtain a job and work at it! Well I sure didn't <insert sarcasm here!> and I have been doing it for 16 years! Ok, for those of you who didn't know it, I just opened up a skeleton closet! For those of you who did, thank you for tolerating my manic and depressed episodes for this long! And for those of you who thought I was,and behind my back cracked a few jokes here and there, just keep reading.
Just a little bit of background for those who are wondering but scared to ask. First of all you can't get it if you hug me, and some days I need a lot of those! Yes, it is a bonafide illness, a mental illness. Is it hereditary? Some believe so (remember I am adopted). What many don't understand is how serious it is. It is an illness that effects and affects the entire you. Your entire being. How you think, how you feel physically, is all wrapped up in one diagnosis.
At the young of age of 21 I was diagnosed as bi-polar. The psychiatrist said it was apparent that I had been bi-polar since childhood. My mother said this was a ploy against her and just a way for me to blame her for all of my life's problems. I have spent many years in therapy, going through cognitive therapy, retraining on things like simple daily life, and trials of many different medications. I have gone through the denial of having it, the deppression of being differenet and people not understanding ( not to mention the stupidity) and the secretiveness and being ashamed due to the stigmatism that is placed on it by our society.
I know that when I tell people they often have a zillion questions. I would rather them ask and learn than to through the medical term around so loosely. Just because someone has a bad day, or feels a little blue does not automatically mean they are bipolar. And just because I am bipolar does not mean that I am going to go into a fit of rage and try to stab you with my scissors! Although maybe the thought crossed my mind!
If you know anything about me, you know that I have a special place in my heart for those with mental illness. And now you know why.
A must see: http://www.artbynicola.co.uk/
Please know the art is art but graphic.
Monday, January 3, 2011
The 1st
its the first of the month, the best time of the month. most of my residents tend to stay to themselves working and raising their family. but the 1st of the month is my time. one by one they come strolling into the office carrying a little slip of paper, a money order or their check for rent. most don't fill them out they ask me to do it for them. which i am happy to do because the same thing always happens. first they try very hard to remember their address and i like watching them sign their names. some have never written their names before and some have locked in their creativity and designed a great signature. some are slow to make sure they make each letter in their name perfect and other sign feverishly! then the best part- they thank you over and over again with a huge smile on their simple and innocent faces.
some are dressed in their native garb, others showing their new american style that they have adapted to. some ready to go to work and some smelling of alcohol because they just got off of work and it is 8 am and they need to unwind before catching some sleep.
every chance i get, i stop to play with the children. listening to their soft little voices as they describe how old they are and what their name is.
no matter how bad my day maybe going at that point nothing seems to matter more than stopping to take time with these people. with them i have learned more about patience and understanding than i have ever known.
some are dressed in their native garb, others showing their new american style that they have adapted to. some ready to go to work and some smelling of alcohol because they just got off of work and it is 8 am and they need to unwind before catching some sleep.
every chance i get, i stop to play with the children. listening to their soft little voices as they describe how old they are and what their name is.
no matter how bad my day maybe going at that point nothing seems to matter more than stopping to take time with these people. with them i have learned more about patience and understanding than i have ever known.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
daddy
received word yesterday that daddy will be having bypass surgery this next week. they will do one artery that is 95% blockage, then a day or two later they will do the other 4 arteries. his doctors are wonderful and give him high odds for success.
they told my sister genny to try to keep him down and resting. obviously this new doctor does not know daddy! however in our conversation tonight he is tired and he knows that the doctors are true in their word. the doctor explained that while one of his brothers had bypass surgery several years ago, uncle jimmy's death might had been prevented if he had seen a cardiologist.
it was hard to hear my daddy say that he was worried and scared. i have never seen my daddy sick. i didn't get to meet my daddy until i was 16 years old. he and my momma were not married when i was conceived. i was given up for adoption and raised in a town 85 miles away. growing up i had a need to connect. i always looked for them because i had a few names that my adopted parents kept for me since the adoption. i started a serious search when i was 16. it only lasted 2 days! not only did i find my mom but she told me that she and my dad married about a year after i was born.
when meeting the family, genny and daddy were the first ones i got to meet. of course no one is what you expect them to be, especially when you are a kid and have dreamed of your parents all your life. daddy is a simple man, he had been a truck driver turned county employee that owned cattle and rental houses.
the first thing i noticed was his tired face and the fact i got my eyes from him. that day i learned where my characteristics came from and so much more. over the years i have learned his values and principals, without him raising me or guiding me. he has earned a deep respect from me. this man loves his family, loved my mother until the day she died, his children, her children and all the grandchildren. he loves me and even told me the story of when he and momma went together to the welfare agency after they married and asked if i had been adopted or if they could get me back. this man, after meeting me never once tried to parent me. if i asked for advice, i got it. if i asked for respect, i got it. if i asked for love, i got it.
daddy came into my life after my adopted dad james passed away. although one daddy was never meant to replace the other i feel god had intended for me to always have a person in my life to call daddy.
i know daddy's surgery is left in gods hands and i know that he will take care of him. i have reason to believe that i have time ahead to make many more memories with daddy.
they told my sister genny to try to keep him down and resting. obviously this new doctor does not know daddy! however in our conversation tonight he is tired and he knows that the doctors are true in their word. the doctor explained that while one of his brothers had bypass surgery several years ago, uncle jimmy's death might had been prevented if he had seen a cardiologist.
it was hard to hear my daddy say that he was worried and scared. i have never seen my daddy sick. i didn't get to meet my daddy until i was 16 years old. he and my momma were not married when i was conceived. i was given up for adoption and raised in a town 85 miles away. growing up i had a need to connect. i always looked for them because i had a few names that my adopted parents kept for me since the adoption. i started a serious search when i was 16. it only lasted 2 days! not only did i find my mom but she told me that she and my dad married about a year after i was born.
when meeting the family, genny and daddy were the first ones i got to meet. of course no one is what you expect them to be, especially when you are a kid and have dreamed of your parents all your life. daddy is a simple man, he had been a truck driver turned county employee that owned cattle and rental houses.
the first thing i noticed was his tired face and the fact i got my eyes from him. that day i learned where my characteristics came from and so much more. over the years i have learned his values and principals, without him raising me or guiding me. he has earned a deep respect from me. this man loves his family, loved my mother until the day she died, his children, her children and all the grandchildren. he loves me and even told me the story of when he and momma went together to the welfare agency after they married and asked if i had been adopted or if they could get me back. this man, after meeting me never once tried to parent me. if i asked for advice, i got it. if i asked for respect, i got it. if i asked for love, i got it.
daddy came into my life after my adopted dad james passed away. although one daddy was never meant to replace the other i feel god had intended for me to always have a person in my life to call daddy.
i know daddy's surgery is left in gods hands and i know that he will take care of him. i have reason to believe that i have time ahead to make many more memories with daddy.
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